Intimacy

Original Date: 
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Series: 

The Sermon Series on the “Song” Today’s Topic is “Intamacy”
This morning I am just going to say today’s topic was not easy for me to write.
In fact I asked Russell if I could just go and preach at Sheldon at least five times already.
Even though this was a Tough message for me to write, I Really believe God has something for us to learn in this area and apply to our lives.
As I start talking about this area of sexuality that is so filled with brokenness from the world I can’t help but touch on places that will hurt.
Why this is, is because God’s design for sex is much different than what the world wants us to believe.
All of us have a different experiences or thoughts about this subject..
Some of us wonder if we should even be talking about this topic in church and a the same time we see the sin that it has caused the world/while others feel part of the problem is that the church has not spoken up about it.
Some of us have waited or are waiting until marriage/while other have had guilt and pain.
Some of us have been sexually abused/while others have felt loved and cared for.
Some of us were told it was bad and gross/while others were told it was a Special.
We here the world say it everywhere/yet it is private with the one you love.
Sex is God’s gift to his Creatures. He endorses sex but restricts its expression to a man and a woman who are committed to each other in marriage.
Sex was created by God and pronounced very good in the Garden of Eden. It has been twisted, exploited, and turned into an urgent, illicit, casual, and self-gratifying activity. Love has turned into lust, giving into getting, and lasting commitment into “no strings attached”.

God wants sex to be motivated by love and commitment, not lust. It is for mutual pleasure, not selfish enjoyment.
Sexual intercourse, the physical and emotional union of a male and female, should be a holy means of celebrating love, producing children, and experiencing pleasure, protected by the commitment of marriage.
My hope is that whatever experience you have had good or bad we will see God’s Design for Sex and why he created this wonderful gift for a Married Man and Woman..
In our society, we are absolutely bombarded with sex, Far, far, far more than our Grandparents generation.
Take a look at how technology has changed the way we view sex. We encounter sex, or implied sexual relationships in most movies today – even kid movies have the Sexual innuendo’s in them that we as adults laugh at but we hope just goes over the children’s heads. Like “Shrek” for an example. Or what about PG-13 Movies like the “Titantic” you have Bare Breasts showing. I would hate to know the % of sex or sex implied movies out there today.
TV shows are no better. They are full of people hopping in and out of bed, changing relationships partners per episode. Advertising everywhere is full of sexually suggestive images. Use Doritos for an example They are wanting you to by a bag. So the show you a bag of Doritos in the hands of a hot girl like Ally Landry eating them in her mouth.
Magazines when I spoke to our Teens about this topic I usually go to the grocery store and pick up the current issues that month to get this point across. Last time I picked up 15 different Magazines and 15 magazines had the word Sex or implied something to do with sex on the front cover.
Looking for a 2015 calendar? Of sexy firemen, sexy Policeman, sexy ladies in Swimsuits, sexy Nurses, .
And the worst don’t get me started on Pornography. Don’t type in just any word in Google, unless you have your filter turned up high. You don’t even have to be looking to run across pornography on the internet.
Our Culture is Sexualized in the newsstands, in the bookstores, On netflixs , on the internet, on the TV’ and in about every product we buy.

Why does nearly everything around us exploit our sexuality? Because Sex sells the advertising people will say. Guys, why do you think that when they are showing a 30 second trailer for a movie or TV show, they show girls with tight clothes and breasts hanging out and things like that? Why? Because they know that in 30 seconds if they can appeal to the male and show sexual images that a guy is going to say I’ve got to see that. What have they done? They don’t have your best interests in mind, they have your wallet in mind. They want you to go to the movie to make money.

We are constantly being bombarded with is this idea that sex is something that everyone is doing and that there are no limits on it.

In my Boundaries in Dating talk, I talk about the myths the world wants us to believe. And so this morning I want to be a myth buster. We’re going to look at some Myths about Sex that the world wants us to believe and discover the truths they are hiding from us …

Myth #1 God is DOWN on sex

This is a horribly, wrong because God created sex. Sex was God’s idea. If you believe that God created humanity then you believe that God created sex. He said Adam and Eve go for it! Do it! Have sex! He created them that way. It is God who made the first man and woman and in his first command to them he says– Be Fruitful and increase in number. Not only did he create something that we are physically attracted to, his very FIRST COMMAND to us as a couple was this – go and have sex and have it often. He could have created us so that we could reproduce another way – like shaking hands. You would go to welcome someone and – Say Hello- and Wala – out pops a baby.

But no, it does not work that way, God thought it through, God created us just like the little boy on Kindergarten Cop says “Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina”

Oh my, he did not just say that. Stick with me here this morning.

God created sex, just go logically just for a second and think about this and see the male/female body. They fit together perfectly. Adam and Eve did not have any trouble figuring this out. They did not have a manual or how to book. God made it pretty obvious that Adam and Eve belonged together and this is exactly how God wanted it from the beginning.

Mark 10:6-9 (NIV)
6 "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.'
7 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
8 and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one.
9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

God is not down on sex – he created it, he commanded it and he DESIGNED IT TO BE ENJOYABLE between one man and one woman. A little more Biology here, so we can see we are designed for this. He created men and women so that they would have orgasms – why? So they would enjoy sex. He gave women a clitoris – for the sole purpose of enjoyment – it doesn’t have any other purpose in this world but to make sex enjoyable. Both men and women bodies were created to participate in the act of sex. This was God’s design the world keeps trying to mess this up. Two men can’t reproduce and two women together can’t reproduce and sexual pleasure was not designed for them either.

God created sex, for a man and a woman that is why he created us different, yet perfectly matched for one purpose – to reproduce and for intimacy with each other. God created sex to be good, pleasurable, to be right, to be fun, to be wonderful, and to be life altering in the context of a one-on-one relationship. God’s not down on sex, He’s up on life.

Is it not just amazing that one little sperm can swim and fertilize an egg and within a short period of time, and a human being could be born, that has a brain that is capable of love and relationships. He created this from the beginning.

If you think that millions of years ago planets collided and we grew from some evolutionary ooze, that would take more faith to believe than a God who loves you and created you and created your sexuality and created you to have sex. He created it to be beautiful in the context of marriage.

God made it for our pleasure and to maximize its pleasure, but he set limits on it – not to spoil our fun, but to protect us from destroying ourselves. The limit God puts on sex is like a fence that is put at the top of a scenic view on the top of a mountain to protect people. It is not there to spoil the view or to ruin your life. It is there to prevent you from slipping over the edge and falling to your death.

God is not Down on Sex or somehow messed up on its Design.

You and I are here this morning because of God’s Design of Sex.

We have to get this first Myth straightened out and not listen to the world. God created Sex for a Good Purpose!!! For a Good Purpose!!!

Myth 2) the world wants us to believe Sex is Purely PHYSICAL

Sex is not just a physical act like animals do. Animals don’t care who their mate was or how many mates they have in their life time.

But sex is not just an instinctive act for human beings like it is for some animals. It is not just a physical act. It is a deeply EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL act between 2 people a man and a woman, who love each other.

God created sex to be meaningful.

To SEE this let’s go to Genesis 2 and take a look.

20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.
But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”
24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

God designed men and women to come together to form one flesh. When you have sex, two people unite on an emotional and spiritual level – not just on a physical level like the birds and the bees.

It is like if I got two paper cutouts and glued them together. If you glue them together and try to separate them, what is going to happen … You will damage them both.

When you invest yourself in another person on a spiritual level through sex and then you leave them to go onto another partner, the effect is pain, hurt and loss people can’t just walk away from a sexual relationship with out Damage. You need to understand that your sexual decisions will create LIFE-LONG Scars, hurts, and painful MEMORIES outside of God’s Design.

The most powerful sexual organ you have is not below the belt. It is in your mind. Sex is way too intimate to forget or shut out feelings, emotions, thoughts, and situations you have experienced.

The media certainly doesn’t talk about these things that scar people’s minds. For them it is simple a boy meets girl, have a one night stand and then go their separate ways – everyone is happy. NO! Life is not like that! It is not like the movie. I am telling you NO! Everyone does not leave happy.

If this was true Prostitutes would be the Happiest people on the planet. They are not, in fact they are the people who walk around with the most pain in life.

Studies show that married people are significantly more likely to say their sex life makes them feel satisfied, love, thrilled, wanted, and taken care of.

This is why we can say: Sex is more than physical it is emotional as well.

The things you do sexually will be there for life. So for the singles in the Room write this down. “What you do sexually will be with you the rest of your life” I know it’s hard to think about your future this way.

Memories of mistakes and events in your past will haunt you. You don’t just forget them.
So the things you do now, will be carried into your marriage some day.

The world says Sex, right now, says I want to be gratified now. We don’t often think about our future and the life-long memories that don’t go away.

Sex is just physical – Myth Busted. It is so much more Emotional.

Myth 3) the world says is Sex is NO BIG DEAL

Society, the media your friends try to tell you that Sex is no big deal. But that is a lie.

It is a bit like when a war starts off Images of the war were everywhere. It was front page news, It was in every magazine, video footage was running over and over and over again. Everyone was talking about it and it was a BIG Deal. We were saturated with it and we were interested to know the progress of the battle, what was happening, who was dying, what decisions were being made. But a few months later – after being completely saturated by it, it was no longer a big deal. It was old news – it was normal and we no longer interested in who the facts. The war was still a big deal – people were still dying. The battle was just as intense, but we weren’t interested – why? Because we had been saturated by it

This is exactly like sex – we have been so flooded with sex and sexuality in our culture that we have begun to think it is no big deal. But it is.
WHEN WE STEP OUTSIDE OF GOD’S BOUNDARIES FOR SEX, WE END UP HURTING OURSELVES.

The sad thing is that most people are tricked into thinking that they know all there is to know about sex.

They might have a lot of knowledge, but knowledge doesn’t bring wisdom.

The truth of the matter is that Sex is a big deal because it has LIFE LONG CONSEQUENCES. We’ve already talked about the life long memories that people carry with them.

There are consequences Loss of Trust with a spouse, others people end in a divorce, others have Unwanted pregnancies, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, HIV / AIDS, Clyamydia, Gonorrhoea, Herpes (no cure) and Human Papilloma Virus (no cure) that are still active.

STD’s are diseases because people do not practice abstinence. If people stayed within God’s limits, there would not be any STDs to worry about, but because we’ve stepped outside the limits, thinking we know best, we have fallen and plenty of people are getting hurt.

So what about the myth that Sex is no big Deal – that myth is busted Sex is a Big deal to God and staying within His plan.

Myth 4) Everyone is Doing it/ It is impossible to remain pure/You don’t need to stay with just one partner even if your married.
People say what am I supposed to do if I’m supposed to wait until marriage? How on earth can I remain pure? It is not impossible. You don’t need sex to LIVE. I mean, nobody has ever died of not having sex. You don’t see people crawling on the sidewalk moaning , “I need sex, I need sex.” You need oxygen, air, water, and food to live – not sex. It’s not impossible to be pure. The media tricks us into thinking that everyone is doing it.
THE TEMPTATION TO LIVE OUTSIDE OF GOD’S BOUNDARIES FOR SEX ALWAYS LOOKS BETTER THAN IT REALLY IS.

Timothy Peck said it this way What looks as sweet as honey is really as bitter as arsenic. What looks as smooth as oil is really sharper than a sharpened sword. You see, sexual temptation creates an illusion, and then tries to persuade us that this illusion is real. Whether it’s the plotline of a romance novel or a seductive image that’s been airbrushed and altered, sexual temptation peddles an illusion. That’s why sexual temptation appeals to the world of fantasy.

1 Thes. 4:2-7 2You know the guidelines we laid out for you from the Master Jesus. 3God wants you to live a pure life. Keep yourselves from sexual promiscuity. 4Learn to appreciate and give dignity to your body, 5not abusing it, as is so common among those who know nothing of God. … 7God hasn’t invited us into a disorderly, unkempt life but into something holy and beautiful—as beautiful on the inside as the outside.

Don’t be fooled into accepting the myths about sex that are everywhere in this world. It is not impossible to live a pure life, you are not the only one that is living with boundaries, Sex is a big deal, because God created it that way, it is far more than physical stimulation and God loves sex – but only when it is enjoyed within the limits he defines for it in MARRIAGE.

Let’s focus our attention on God’s Design in how it is played out in Marriage.
God Designed us Differently. Do you KNOW YOUR Spouse?????
In the book His Brain, Her Brain by Walt and Barb Larimore.
Chapter Different by design. It says “My friends will talk about how their husbands are sometimes thoughtless or inconsiderate, don’t listen like they should, think to much about sex and sports, aren’t as compassionate as they could be, want to have sex rather than make love, and don’t put the toilet seat down as they should.
From the other side men often complain about the way their wives drive, that they can’t read maps right-side-up, talk and cry too much, can’t explain their intuitive feelings, don’t intitiate sex often enough, and leave the toilet seat down when it clearly should be left up.
These differences are not something we imagine when we are married to someone. They are not choices we make up just to annoy each other. Many if not most of these dissimilarities have to do with the distinctive ways his brain and her brain function.

We have fundamental biological differences when it comes to sex in marriage.
Husbands tend to be oriented physicaly, wives tend to be oriented emotionally and relationally.
Husbands are stimulated by images and sight; wives are stimulated by feelings, smell, touch, and words.
Husbands can initiate sex anytime and anywhere; wives initiate sex less frequently
Husbands are quick to respond sexually and difficult to distract during sex; wives are slower to respond and easier to distract.

Despite these extreme differences, sex is a necessary and highly desirable part of a healthy marriage. When their sexual relationship is healthy, couples have opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure and receive the benefit of an essential emotional and spiritual connection. Sex can build up or diminish closeness, intimacy, and a sense of connectedness. Yet when these differences are not respected and sexual needs are unsatisfied, it can lead to marital conflict. In short, sex is a powerful tie that can bind or tear down; it can “make or break a marital relationship” especially if the husband and wife don’t understand the way his brain and her brain are designed.
Dr. Willard Harley has observed, “The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband’s deep need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife’s deep need for affection.
Wives need Affection. Pay attention here Married men!!! This is where you could learn something that will pay off for you the rest of your life.
If you have went to see the movie “The Song” we see Rose (the Wife) just yearning for affection from Jed (the Husband). But he is distracted by fame, by money and the desire to be known like his dad.
A lot of marriages fall apart in this area when we look at just our own needs and don’t look at the needs of our spouse. You have heard me preach about the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. If you have not I strongly urge you to read and figure out your spouse’s love language. I just through that in for a bonus.

Back to how this plays out differently for Husbands and wives.
Husbands need a visual image or a thought to his ever ready testosterone that is flowing constantly through his body and he is ready to go.
If fact I read that a man needs 2.5 seconds to be ready to have sex with his wife. While a woman needs 13 min. to be ready to enjoy the act of sex.
Your Wife’s sex drive results from a large number of emotional factors, including but not limited to closeness, trust, a safe location, the proper touch, a pleasant scent, ant the right words , all of which lead to the release of her sex hormones. Because of this design, your wife’s desire for sex can be dramatiacally affected by not only the events of her day but also by the Husbands actions and attitudes toward her during the previous hours, days, weeks, or months. Fellow Husbands take NOTES on this!!!
Your wife’s brain needs time. She needs affection from you way before sex starts.
You need to figure out how she feels affection from you. Words are important to her brain, she needs affection spoken to her.
Solomon was a wise man on this, He demonstrates for us in chapter 4 how this should go.
Solomon started at the top of her head and worked his way down describing the beauty he saw in her.
Song of Songs 4:1-7 (NLT)
1 You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes Your hair.
2 Your teeth Your smile is flawless,
3 Your lips, your mouth is inviting. Your cheeks
4 Your neck is as beautiful..
5 Your breasts
7 You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.
If a Husband says he’s not an “affectionate type” or doesn’t like to take the time to hug, hold, and hear his wife but insists that she meet his sexual needs, there will be a huge problem in their marriage. He will likely turn off his wife and actually end up meeting neither his nor her needs in their marriage.

Dr William Hurley says “Sadly enough, most affairs start because of lack of affection (for the wife) and lack of sex (for the husband). She doesn’t get enough affection, so she shuts him off sexually. He doesn’t get enough sex, so the last thing he feels like being is affectionate. “

I am not saying which happened first. But it becomes just a vicious circle. One after the other. When most marriages fall apart no one know how they got to that spot.

Solomon is showing Husbands, your wife needs affection from you. Remember He was a the wisest man that ever lived. He knew this.

HUSBANDS you need to touch her heart and mind, before you touch her body.

When he gets to verse 8 now things start heating up
Song of Songs 4:8-11 (NIV)
8 Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon.
9 You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.

He is Kissing her at about this time. And he continues to move down her body.
Song of Songs 4:12-15 (NIV)
12 You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.
15 You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon.
He is talking about her virginity that is about to be changed. All five senses are being described here. Touch, Taste, smell, sight and sound.

The Song teaches us that lovemaking is intended by God to be an elaborate and pleasurable feast for the senses- a holy immersion in erotic joy. Mutual Satisfaction for both

And know after the build up of emotional connection, the preparation of affection we get to the act of Intercourse.

Song of Songs 4:16 (NIV)
16 Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.
This is Ultimate Intimacy in verse 16. The wife invites the husband using the same word “Awake” used earlier to caution against intimacy too soon.
Wives are not against sex, She did not say turn over and say I am not in the mood. Why because her husband who she loves has showered her with affection and she responds.
As Brian and Becky described in their video. Sex doesn’t start 5 min. before you quick jump in bed. It starts at the beginning of the day. The Bed part is just the ending.

Dr. Willard Harley writes, “When it comes to sex and affection you can’t have one without the other.” Both need to be a part of the marriage.

As a married couple they had great sex because they first loved each other, not the other way around.

Solomon did not cover all the great things his wife was to him after they had sex. No they first showed their love for each other. And then they responded together.

WE have permission to enjoy it in marriage. Sex in the context of a loving marriage remains an unblemished, untarnished gift from God.

In closing, I want to just recap this morning by saying these last challenging statements to where ever you are at in Life with this topic of sex:

Singles Don’t buy into the world’s lies or myths that we talked about this morning. God has a better plan for you concerning sex than what the world is screaming. His Best for you right now is to abstain. His gift of sex is only granted for permission from him in Marriage.

People with Guilt. For those of you here that are carrying around guilt. If you have bought into any of these myths or flat out lies the world has told you. God offers FORGIVENESS FOR YOUR PAST MISTAKES He will not erase the consequences, but calling on Christ will bring you back on the right path that God wants you to enjoy.
People with Pain. For those who are here this morning who have been hurt, abused in this area. God offers HEALING FOR YOUR HURTS and pain it has caused you. Call on Him and He will give you comfort.

And for Married Couples I want to leave you with this:

Be Servant lovers, sacrifice for your mate. Servant lovers place their mate’s Intimate needs above their own and give with selfless abandon. Servant lovers understand the need to give unconditionally, and they acknowledge that this cannot happen unless they learn to surrender their selfish desires. AMEN

AMEN